Isaiah 54:1 ““Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord.”
If there is one thing I’ve dreamed of forever, it’s to have a daughter. It makes me happy imagining the two of us wearing matching pink gingham aprons and baking vegan cupcakes. This must be why it’s so easy for me to fall in love: every guy I meet is a potential father to my child. And this must be the red flag.
This must be why I feel an invisible connection to the children, especially the homeless. It’s always painful every time I say no to giving alms, because it’s discouraged, because these children are being forced by irresponsible adults to beg. But last night, I packed Christmas gifts for the street children at the Cathedral – especially the little girl named Evelyn… although she lied to me. It’s not much: two pieces of mini Choco Mucho, one Trolli pizza, one Dutchmill yogurt, and the only vegetarian food in the pack – Marty’s chicharon (or Baconette). (No, this isn’t a sponsored post.) If I had the choice, resources, and time, I’d prefer an all-vegetarian gift pack. But I forgive myself for that.
Truth is sometimes I feel sad for doing things like this. I feel like, what if I’m trying to buy their love? In so many Gospel readings and homilies, I’ve contemplated on what truly drives me to give to those who can’t give me anything in return. Am I driven by mercy and compassion? What if I’m doing these to buy God’s approval? So He might see I’m worthy to be saved? What if I want to steal their love and affection from their parents? So they can be my children? So I can be a mother? And the worst thing is I know exactly the answer.
Once upon a time, I questioned 2nd First Love when he told me he is investing on his salvation. I disagreed on doing good works for the sake of gaining God’s favor. If you are a good person, I said, you would do good things without a tinge of desire for anything in return.
But now I’m doing the exact same sin.