Hi, people. I have an eating disorder.

(TRIGGER WARNING!  If you suffer from an eating disorder and feel you might be triggered by a detailed retelling, please do not read.)

Hello, people.

Yesterday, I managed to catch the last few minutes of a friend’s radio talk airing on Facebook Live.  There, she discussed whether it’s better for emotions to be hidden or revealed.  I did want to leave a comment but the show ended before I can even complete half a sentence.

But the question hit home and I spent the rest of yesterday’s waking hours thinking about how I would’ve answered if someone asked me face-to-face, “Are emotions better hidden or revealed?”

My siblings would definitely say I’d reveal.  As far as they know, it really is that hard for me to keep a secret.  (That’s why they don’t tell me their secrets because I’d surely tell our mother.)  That’s also as far as I know.  Keeping secrets has always exhausted me, emotionally and physically.  I tend to feel intensely, and one disadvantage of being me is I can’t discriminate between big and small things: for me, everything is a big thing.  It’s exhausting.  Keeping secrets is as if I’m giving something more merit than it’s actually worth.  Putting words to it – either by saying it out loud even to just one person or writing it down – reduces its intensity.  It significantly lessens the burden of having to carry it inside.  Get it?

But one thing that I have hidden is that I’ve been suffering from anorexia for a long time.

For those who have heard it for the first time or know little about it, anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by obsessively limiting the amount of calories taken and encouraging activities to utilize these calories, for the sake of being thin.  According to my research, I fall under anorexia binge/purge subtype.  (I haven’t had an official diagnosis, though.)

And yes, it is a mental illness.  And it kills.

Many times, I hinted or told family and friends that I wanted to see a psychiatrist – because I knew something bad was happening to me.  But mental health is still stigmatized in the Philippines that either they didn’t take me seriously or they told me, “No, you’re not crazy.”  Because I wanted to be liked – and nobody likes to be around sad people – I decided to pretend.  (And also because, honestly, I thought I can’t afford treatment.)

All the while I was suffering and self-hating, but on the outside, I appeared happy and full of sunshine.  In office fellowships, I hopped from table to table, danced, and sang a lot so I could avoid eating altogether.  And if anyone caught me having a handful of nuts or chips or drinking sugared water?  Rest assured my dinner later was a glass of water with two packets of psyllium husk to flush it all out.  My meal the next morning would be two HIIT sessions.

I was the girl who’s scared to get hungry because I brought lots of food on trips, but I’d exercise it all off in the room.  Also, they’re all full of fiber, low-fat, and low-calorie.  And when I get home, the fasting would begin.

I’d be grateful for any situation that kept me from going out with friends or co-workers because it kept me from having to eat.  I’d make every excuse – restroom, need to get something I was pretty sure would be hard to find, too tired – when with my family at restaurants.  Even now that we have started our lunch delivery business, I dread being forced to taste the food and eat the leftovers.  I’m late a lot at work because I would jog 8,000 steps to burn the calories.  My waking hours are 100% predominated by thoughts of food, specifically, how to survive every day without needing it.

You know what makes me happy?  Being told that I got thinner.  Or that they envied my discipline.  Or that they wanted to do what I do.  But then, these doesn’t give me contentment.  Instead, they would push me to go further.  I’d eat less and exercise more to be thinner, to be more disciplined, and to never be beaten.

On the other hand, one thing that distresses me is being told to gain weight.  I remember telling well-intentioned people, “What are you talking about?  I gained an inch around my waist!” or,  “You just don’t see it but I look horrible without clothes.”  The other is seeing other girls losing weight faster than me.  I’ve learned that these two are typical behaviors of eating disorder sufferers: a distorted view of their bodies and competitiveness.

I wish I could tell you how it all started but the truth is, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s going through adolescence getting called ugly and fat, or having feelings that were not reciprocated, or not fitting into beautiful clothes.  Maybe it’s growing up in front of the TV and seeing all the advertisements that said I had to be thin to be accepted and liked.  Maybe it’s all those physical check-ups that required me to line up with girl classmates who were most interested in comparing weights.  Maybe it’s hearing people who make fun of fat people.  Maybe it’s being noticed by guys only when I started losing weight.  Maybe it’s this ridiculous expectation – that may or may not be espoused by the community itself – that vegans have to be sexy.  Maybe it’s all of these and other things I don’t consciously think of.

But I could tell when I decided to stop.  It was a Tuesday night from many months ago and I found myself laughing at a good priest because he is obese.  I stopped, shocked, and I muttered to myself,

“Who are you, monster?”

I never thought I would say something like that.  Growing up looking different, I knew how painful it is to be judged for something I have no control over and I can’t change.  I made the decision a long time ago to see only the beauty in other people.

Then, I laughed at someone for not being thin.

I realized, painfully, that I have been looking at others that way for some time.  He got fat.  She lost weight.  Her arms are huge.  She’s so thin.  I know I never wanted to be like that.  I never wanted to be this vile person who defines someone else according to her/his weight.  It was unacceptable.  That’s when I decided to put a stop to this.

You may ask, if I’ve been aware of my eating disorder for a long time, why haven’t I stopped it at the onset?  TRIGGER ALERT again.  I’m going to be brutally honest: I didn’t because the eating disorder is like a badge, a trophy.  Every step further down is a testament to my discipline and determination.  Most people can’t achieve what I have achieved.  Most people can’t do what I am able to do.

In my case, it was also sort of an illicit relationship.  It’s like the eating disorder is seductively whispering, “Look, everybody thinks this is all effortless.  But only you and I have to know of all our hard work.  This is our dirty little secret.”

But secrets lose their intensity once we put words into them.  As words, someone else can see them.  Now, we can see them as they are.  They lose their illusion.  They lose their seductiveness.  They lose their power.

I haven’t recovered yet, mind you.  I still find myself binge eating and purging.  I still find myself obsessively exercising to burn every possible calorie I have taken in.  My relationship with food is still unhealthy.  I still find myself labeling food as good and bad.  I still find myself finding excuses to skip meals.  I still feel bad that I ate at all.  I still look at myself in the mirror and want to change parts of myself.

But I’m trying.  I’m trying really hard.  And it’s hard.  There are times – like right now – that I cry because I have to go through this illness and ask myself why I can’t just be normal and carefree like everybody else.  There are times I doubt if I even do want to recover from my eating disorder, if I’m ready to lose all my gains now that I’ve gone this far.  But I remind myself that my mental health is most important right now.  My eating disorder made me acceptable to other people, but it cost me my self-respect, happiness, and what would have been beautiful memories.

I’m relearning to respect myself, to nourish my body, to accept my genetics, to accept the fact that I’m never going to have a social media-worthy bikini body, and that’s okay.

Typing this post had been hard and painful… but honesty is supposed to hurt, right?  I hope I made it clear how important it is to be honest with our feelings.  Others may not understand.  Others may not accept.  Others may judge.  Still, say it.  Our peace and happiness are worth much more than someone else’s reaction.

So, to answer the question, definitely, to reveal.

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Kayla Itsines’ BBG 12-week Program Review + Tips for Beginners

Hi there! I finally got to post something again. I admit I had been lazy and uninspired to write. But here I am again, reporting for duty, sir!

So, anyway. I’m happy to report that I just finished Kayla Itsines’ 12-week BBG challenge last week. Yey, me! I still can’t believe that I was able to get over my fears and complete the entire challenge. I’d tell you all about this later.

I’d also like to report that I decided to redo the challenge instead of moving on to Week 13. This is because I’m still not that confident and I feel like I didn’t give my 100% to the workouts. Personally, I can’t leave things like that so I am starting over with Week 1 and giving it my all this time.

So, here goes my journey.

Flashback: Why I Started to Become Fit

When I was growing up in the province, the adults’ idea of “healthy” was being fat… or at least chubby. Since I was never the skinny kid, I got the malusog compliments and even won in two “healthy child” awards during Nutrition Month, where we were gauged by our physical appearance. So, at an early age, I thought that being skinny was a gauge of malnutrition.

Things started to change when I left the very provincial Occidental Mindoro and settled in Nueva Ecija for high school. I was unpleasantly surprised to learn that skinny is the measure of health here. Here, I first learned that I was overweight… and when you’re overweight, you get laughed at. I had always been this it-may-be-my-attitude-but-it’s-your-problem kind of teenager, though, so being laughed at during our annual physical check ups didn’t bother me.

But things turned worse in college. I met my first love and he would always tease me about my weight. I thought I wasn’t really that fat. I was just overweight but I was not obese. He teased me anyway. I would like to believe he didn’t mean to be rude and damage me forever, but in the end that’s what happened: I started to believe nobody would love me because I was fat. (I’m not blaming him. I take full responsibility for reacting to his words the way I did.)

Hence, my self-confidence was totally wrecked. I started to believe whatever I achieved in life would be secondary to my physical appearance. I envied the people who stayed skinny despite eating all that junk food. I even blamed my parents for my genes. Any reference to my weight literally made me cry. I abhorred having my pictures taken because I’d hate the way I looked in them anyway. I loathed shopping for clothes because the pretty dresses on the mannequins looked horrible on me… or didn’t come in my size.

When I started to earn, I became obsessed on weight loss products. There was a time I drank slimming coffee from China and I literally blacked out and palpitated I stopped drinking coffee all together. Then, I bought those expensive fat blockers which promised to allow me to eat my favorite lechon and made me just fatter in the process.

Then, I became vegetarian and banished all the weight like magic.

Here is the point where you ask, “Isn’t this supposed to be a review of Kayla’s BBG? I didn’t sign up for a lecture on the benefits of a plant-based diet!” Hahaha. Yes, I’d start in a bit. Just let me finish.

In short, I became skinny by eliminating animal products in my diet. In 2016, I completely eliminated eggs and dairy, too, and chose to pursue the vegan life.

Alas, contentment is far from me. I was skinny, but I realized that for a woman approaching her 30’s, skinny didn’t look healthy. I did enjoy when people thought I was younger – but not because I actually looked youthful, but because I was teenage-thin. I looked weak and sickly. I started wanting something else. I wanted to be like Doutzen Kroes: lean and strong.

I also began thinking that by looking unhealthy, I was not being a good poster girl for veganism. (Yes, I have this not-so-secret illusion of being veganism’s poster girl here in my city.) Instead of being able to promote the benefits of not eating animals, I’d turn people off because I looked sickly.

I stopped wanting to be skinny. I began to want to be fit and strong.

My BBG Journey

In December 2017, I downloaded the SWEAT app. I discovered it because of Hong Kong Youtube fitness icon Emi Wong, who started her fitness journey with Kayla Itsines’ BBG. I had just started exploring Instagram by then (ikr, late bloomer here), and I was intrigued by the #transformationphotos of #bbggirls and #kaylasarmy.

Just a bit of background first. BBG stands for Bikini Body Guide – a fitness program and community created by Aussies Kayla Itsines and Toby Pearce. BBG started out as two books of two circuits of two sets of four 7-minute resistance workouts. (That was a tongue-twister!) The books covered Weeks 1-12 and Weeks 13-24. Soon, the books became part of the SWEAT app, available on Google Play and the App Store. The app also includes a meal guide. (It has vegan but I didn’t follow it.)

By the way, SWEAT is a paid app. I preferred the one-year subscription, which set me back with $115 (almost PhP6,000.00). Some would say paying the subscription was not worth it since you can just watch free workout videos on Youtube. But I’m the type of person who loses interest easily, and having paid for the program forces me to continue, since I want to get the most out of the money I paid.

Because I was never a #fitnessgirl even in my school days*, I began my BBG journey with two rounds of the four-week pre-training. You can read about my pre-training journey here. I did the beginner’s program twice because I thought I wasn’t ready yet for the 12-week challenge.

After Week 4 of my second round, I’ve decided to move on to the 12-week challenge. I wasn’t strong yet. I still struggled with my burpees, push ups, sit ups and jump lunges. But I knew I was stronger than I had been. Plus, I started to enjoy waking up early and start my day with an intense workout. After all, exercise releases endorphins, so I felt that my days were happier and I had more energy.

The program was a never ending struggle. In the beginning, I can’t do standard push ups yet, so discovering that I had to do mountain climbers with push ups was frustrating. Then, I found myself doing standard push ups, but before I can celebrate, burpees with push ups and raised push ups were being demanded of my unfit body. I also have a hate-hate-relationship with jump lunges that I want it removed from the program entirely. Lol. By the way, jump lunges exist in the program almost every week. How cruel, right?

But as the weeks progressed and the workouts became harder and more complicated, I found myself looking forward to every new week. I’m continually surprised at the things that my body can do and my endurance. I realized I love donning my workout clothes and I even have more sport bras than regular ones now. Haha!

By Week 8, people started noticing slight changes in my body. My boss even asked me if I worked out because my body was looking “sexy” – to which I happily said yes. Francis also noticed my not-so-jiggly arms anymore. As for me, I’m loving my arms and thighs, and I can see the subtlest signs of abs when I wake up in the morning. Lol.

Now, I’m not going to lie and post all raves about BBG here. After all, this is not a paid ad. Lol. But my BBG Journey is not all pleasant. There were times when I doubted myself because I can’t see the awesome transformations of other BBG girls happening to me. Some of them saw an incredible transformation in weeks’ time. Every now and then, Kayla would share transformation photos of others who are in her program and I’d ask myself, “What am I doing wrong?” Also, I have this bad habit of lurking over some people’s Instagrams and when they post their gains and mine do not measure up, I’d hate myself and sulk. No, I don’t blame the program, Instagram or Kayla, but all these #gains posts pour negativity over me.

The best thing is Kayla would post motivation messages on her account. She would constantly reminded us, her girls, not to compare our progresses with others. Everybody is different and every body is different. My journey is unique.

Right now, I’m on my Arms and Abs day of Week 1 (second round). I’m also incorporating HIIT workouts by my ever-favorite Emi Wong on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays (just because I discovered that my body isn’t really in good terms with LIIS, which makes me sleepy and lethargic afterwards).

All in all, my 12-week BBG challenge journey was an awesome experience. Would I continue? Of course! After all, I paid for it. Lol. More importantly though, BBG 1.0 is a great way to kick start one’s fitness lifestyle, just like it did Emi Wong’s.

Tips for Beginners

For all those who wish to start with BBG, here are some of my tips to begin your own fitness journey:

  1. Get apparel you enjoy working out on. I love sports bras and yoga pants. Even if you’re working out at home, it’s more motivating if you’re channeling sporty vibes.
  2. Designate a specific space where you will workout ALL THE TIME. I forgot where I got this tip but the point is have a space that will remind you to workout each time you see it. Mine is this small rectangular space between my bed and dresser.
  3. Have your water bottle within easy reach. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!
  4. Having said that, replenish those lost electrolytes by taking a teaspoon of sea salt with water after your workout.
  5. Get enough sleep! This is an absolute necessity, regardless of what program you follow. Your muscles have to recover. Currently, I get seven hours a night, but my target is nine.
  6. In the end, any workout program will not work without proper nutrition. BBG has a built-in meal plan, which I don’t follow, but I still make sure to eat clean and check my calories and macros. I’m fortunate to be vegan, cooking my own food, and following a whole foods, plant-based diet, so eating clean isn’t hard for me.
  7. Having said that, don’t stress over dieting. Don’t be overly obsessed with your calories and macros. Make sure you enjoy your food or else you’d start to think healthy eating is a burden and unnecessary suffering.
  8. You don’t have to buy special equipment. I have two 9-pound dumb bells for all the workouts that involved lifting (including squat and press, step ups, and crab walks). If you don’t have any, you can use filled up water bottles, or none at all. IT’S OKAY TO MODIFY.
  9. Listen to your body. If you can’t do the specified workouts, find alternatives. There are always modifications. Personally, I still find jump lunges hard, and I modify spider push ups and raised push ups.
  10. Probably counter intuitively and she might hate me, I don’t recommend following Kayla on social media. Or at least I limit myself to the motivational posts. The reposted transformation photos cause me distress and make me second-guess myself, so I’m learning to avoid seeing them. Don’t compare your progress with others. EVERY BODY IS DIFFERENT.
  11. And finally, have a positive mindset over exercise. Psyche yourself that exercise is not a chore, or a burden, but a beautiful gift you are giving to yourself and to the world. After all, by keeping yourself healthy, you contribute to a healthy world. Through another app (Fabulous), I created this mantra that I tell myself before I start exercising: “Discipline is my asset. My discipline is for myself, for the planet, and for the animals.” Repeating my purpose keeps me motivated to continue despite the struggles.

So, there goes my BBG 12-week challenge journey! If you’re a fellow #bbggirl or a fitness newbie, you can comment on this post to share your journey and struggles. Stay healthy and strong!


Add-ons:

*My chosen PE’s in college were PE 1 (lecture), walking, duck pin bowling, and cheer leading (which involved nothing but learning the cheers and arm movements and cheering for our basketball team). In high school, I pretended I had asthma to skip volleyball.

My BBG Beginner Journey

So, yeah. That was my fourth (and last) full body workout under my second round of the beginner program. The first time, I knew I wasn’t ready for BBG yet – I can’t get past five no-push-up burpees, can’t do a standard push-up (let alone a mountain climber push-up), and my commandos sucked – so I opted to redo my pretraining. I still can’t get past seven no-push-up burpees without cursing, can’t do a standard push-up, can’t do mountain climber push-ups, and my commandos still suck. But Kayla Itsines, co-creator of the BBG program and the Sweat app, is right:

So I have decided not to do a third round of the beginner program. It’s not that I think I’m strong enough… but I know I’m stronger now. I can already do straight leg sit ups without having my feet pressed against a wall – and I can do about 50. My push-ups still involve my knees on the mat, but at least I can do more than 15. I’m improving, bit by bit. And bit by bit is better than quitting.

More importantly though, I see minor yet important changes in my body. My legs are still huge (blame genetics) but my thighs are getting toned. My arms don’t jiggle as much anymore. My midsection is taking a nicer shape (or at least right when I wake up). With proper lighting, I can sometimes see the makings of abs. You may think I’m shallow pala – you’re entitled to your opinion – but these changes make me happy.

Because these changes make me feel strong and in control. I know for a fact that I worked hard, despite being a fitness amateur. I tried my best and managed to complete two rounds of the beginner program. Yes, all the legs, arms and abs, and full body workouts in eight weeks. I managed to eat clean most of the time. I drank lots of water. I got enough sleep.

I’m proud of myself.

And it’s empowering.

Next Monday, I’d be starting with the BBG program. It scares me. And it excites me at the same time. Just like what I said before, it’s not like I’m strong enough, but I’m stronger. I believe I’m stronger.

I’ll let my belief be my ammo.

Boho Beautiful Pilates Challenge 2 & the Mystery of the Bent Legs

In the past weeks, I’ve been raving over the workout videos of Boho Beautiful, the lovechild of vegans and yogis(?) Mark and Juliana, on Youtube.  I’m in love with Juliana’s perfect form in the workouts, and she makes everything seem easy.  I’m especially jealous of her straight legs.  I’m, after all, Little Miss Bent Knees.

My sole fitness goal before I turn 30 is to be flexible.  Before my return to the Catholic Church in December 2014 – this is an important fact so you may understand my misery learning that the Church discourages the practice of yoga among the faithful – I was already into Eastern spirituality.  I was more into Buddhism because of my vegetarianism, but I found yoga to be beneficial to me in many levels.  I only studied through Youtube and books though; there are no yoga studios where I come from.  Because I can’t understand how to properly breathe and what finding your center means, I used yoga purely as physical exercise.  But I stopped, frustrated that my bent knee swan dives were so ugly.

Then, I found Boho Beautiful on Youtube.  (I’m still unwilling to disclose why.)  The videos I selected were the pilates workouts – since yoga is sadly a no-no – and the first I did was challenge number two.

This is me on October 12, before I first did the workout.  And it was sooooo hard I was screaming and shaking halfway through the workout.

One of the most frustrating things was my knees were bent all throughout the laying down exercises.  I did a quick research and discovered that it is because of my tight hamstrings.

Now, I’m not always inflexible.  Up until first year high school, I was quite the contortionist.  Haha.  I can easily wrap my legs over my shoulders.  (I’d love to demo but I can’t do it now.)  In PE class, I can easily have my forehead on the floor while doing a hamstring stretch.  But one day, I was asked out loud by a male classmate if I was still a virgin.  The twelve-year-old probinsiyana from a small elementary school in Occidental Mindoro was horrified.  Apparently for him, virginity is judged by how widely a girl can spread her legs.  Dumb, but I didn’t know that.  Since then, I stopped doing contortions and stretches.  I guess that’s the main reason my hamstrings tightened.

Moving on – because we all have to move on at some point – I found this routine from another yoga practitioner, Yoga with Adrienne, exactly for loosening the hamstrings.  (I’m still unable to reconcile my physical fitness needs with the views of the Church.)  After completing the workout once, I could reach my toes without bending my knees.  Awesome.

In the following days, I persevered.  I was screaming (voicelessly because I workout at 4 am) during the workouts.  Once I found myself crying.  Despite that, though, I found myself looking forward to waking up to do the routine.  I skipped only twice, on the third and fourth days because I was ready to give up but I the mantra “no pain no gain” kept me going.  Even during the convivence, I didn’t miss my workout.  And because I was getting more energetic, I also added the standing ab exercises, which I also found on Youtube years ago, and some arm exercises.

Then, on November 2, I took this.

I also found that I don’t shake as much now and I sweat more.  Instead of the workouts feeling like a routine, they are getting harder every day.  I could feel the burn and stretch in every movement.  So this is what my former gym instructor meant when he said, “Feel it.”  In addition, I was pleasantly surprised that I can keep my legs straight for most of the workouts.

I gained weight, too, but that doesn’t frustrate me anymore.  I’m happier because the clothes fit better now.  The leggings I wore in the second photo was a size too small so I don’t wear it, but now it doesn’t suffocate my thighs anymore and no more muffin top as well.

So… how did this happen?

The answer must be this: persistence.  You may not be able to do it right the first time, the second time, or the hundredth time, but if you persist, persevere, if you push yourself, one day everything will fall in its proper place: just like the story of the pilot Alex Rodriguez who surpassed his naturally talented classmates through his perseverance and hardwork.  Yes, it’s going to really hurt, but the hardwork will pay off.

I still have lots of room for improvement, and I don’t see myself stopping yet.  You see, the ultimate goal is to be able to project a positive image of veganism to my immediate community, so nobody would say vegans are weak.  But I’m planning to take it one step at a time, and enjoy every step.  I’m not giving myself a deadline.  I’m not forcing myself to look like Miranda Kerr by the summer of 2018.  All I want is to see myself improve bit by bit.

And I’m planning to make that happen without paying gym membership.  😂

My Fitness Journey + How to Start (Again)

In 2011, I was 67 kilograms.  Standing at 4 feet 10.5 inches, I had a BMI of 30.4 and was considered obese.  I had always been on the fat side growing up so it was not really a surprise I’d end up looking like this:

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Photo credits: Romel Rafor Jaime (2009)

Or this:

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Photo credits: Sheree Joyce Marie Pesebre (2011)

But just because it didn’t surprise me doesn’t mean it didn’t make me feel unhappy.  Not all people do but I suffer from low self-esteem and self-hate.  In my heart, I killed hundreds of skinny girls for looking perfect in clothes that won’t even fit me.  In silence, I loathed the girls who can eat fries doused in gravy without gaining a single pound.  I thought it was unfair that all I had to do was think about food and I’d gain another freakin’ pound.  I tried drinking slimming coffee (which made my heart seriously palpitate so I stopped), taking fat burning pills (which did nothing but make me feel it was safe to eat fat food, thus making me gain more), and starving myself (which I can’t stand).  I tried going to the gym and I worked out almost every day after work, but after a couple of months, I quit because I can’t see any difference.

Then, in April 2012, I decided to become a vegetarian.  (I became vegan in December 2016.)  In the following years, I became this:

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October 2017 (Photo credits: Jofel Aquino)

I’ve become skinny.  I guess my biggest accomplishment is getting to see my collarbones.

Of course any change faces resistance.  My family, my friends, my coworkers, people who knew me before, they would tell me I looked unhealthy and sick (and maybe I do for them; beauty is in the eye of the beholder).  You know the worst “joke” was?  That I was on drugs.  And of course they will blame my eating choices.  And me, the perennial self-loather with no satisfaction, would think:

“Yes.  Maybe I need to gain a bit to have boobs and booty.”

I’d start eating more (vegan, of course), and they’d say I’m getting fat so I’d think:

“I have to have thigh gap.”

“My arms are huge.”

“She’s skinnier than me.”

“What payat?  Look at my thighs!”

“Cellulite!”

“Why does she have abs and I don’t?”

And I’d go on crazy diets utilizing vegan food.  I would do juice fasts, 7-day fruit diets, intermittent fasting, 700-calorie-a-day restrictions, etc.  I’d do cardio, dance, then weights.  I’d get skinnier and I’d think I’m so skinny so I’d eat again and get fat and start all over again.  My fitness journey is like a roller coaster ride.  It’s crazy.  I am crazy.

I hope you understand how hard it is to be unhappy with yourself.  I guess I should really restrict my social media time to two hours per week.

I’ve turned 29 earlier this month and as I mentioned in this post, where I listed some goals.  (Honestly I’ve already failed most of them.)  In it, the only fitness goal I wrote was to be more flexible – because I was afraid I will fail myself.  But as Bo Jackson said (which is flashed in my favorite Boho Beautiful video):

Set your goals high and never stop till you get there.

The first step is to set high, specific goals.

Of course flexibility is very high on my list.  My tight hamstrings are a frustration.  But just in prayers, I have to be very specific about the goals.  Saying I want to be strong and lean will be vague and will not suffice.

The goal is to have this beautiful woman’s body.

Get motivated.

Maybe I set my eyes too high by looking up at Berryz Koubo’s Miyabi Natsuyaki for my #fitspiration.  (She’ll always be my favorite, mind you.)  She’s tall and we don’t share the same body type so the journey has been set to be impossible from the get go.  But I think she’s so feminine, which is what I want.

Getting motivated also involves trying different workouts and programs.  I have to make sure that I’m doing workouts I enjoy.  For example, I HATE zumba, so it’s 100% out of my list.  I love weights so I’m going to continue lifting.  Sometimes I love HIIT so I’d probably do some.  And right now I do love Boho Beautiful pilates challenges.  Just do something enjoyable.

Eat healthy.

I’ve mentioned sometime before that I’m not a salad person and it’s still true.  I’m also a junk food vegan.  I love my Soon Shin Ramyun and Lays Original potato chips.  But if I want Gabriella Whited’s abs and Jackie Go’s legs, I have to commit to eating clean and healthy food from now on.

Listen only to people who love you.

Dogs are infinitely better than people, but it certainly helps to be with people who love, support and motivate you, people who will not judge you, or who will not impose their own standards on you.  I’m so lucky that I have my boyfriend Francis and my sister Angel with me.

My weight loss journey, as I said is a crazy roller coaster ride.  But I know that this is an important step to be confident and to love myself.